I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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