There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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