WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
