i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
