Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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