I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
