i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
