my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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