After last night, I could never be a politician.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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