i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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