i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
