i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
