if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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