I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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