My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
