I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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