I accidentally burped into my bong.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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