Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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