You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
