I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
