Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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