It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
