my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
