the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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