my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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