you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
