this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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