hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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