Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
