That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
