I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
