dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
