Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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