i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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