I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
