I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
