tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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