I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's the barista slut.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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