i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
