Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
