Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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