I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
