maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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