Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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