it's not cheating when I paid for it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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