Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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