What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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