The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
