Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
