he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
