A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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