everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
